Wednesday, June 8, 2011


If you reach a point in your life where you're coaching a porn star in anything more than how to win back their father's respect and admiration, it's probably safe to say you made a wrong turn somewhere along the way. It's even worse if you're coaching them to lie about something, because I'd bet a few bucks most porn stars have lied at least once or twice about their profession, by calling themselves actresses or performers or something. If you're coaching a porn star to lie in an effort to prevent yourself from getting into some serious type of deep shit, well then you're probably already at least wading in it.

Anthony Weiner allegedly found himself in that last position recently, when people started finding out he was apparently writing sexually-charged emails to  former porn star Ginger Lee that may or may not have included pictures of his dick, like the ones he seems to enjoy taking with his cell phone and sending to women who are not his wife. Weiner gave Lee some pointers on how to address questions about the scandal, and also offered the assistance of his public relations team. Because his team's plate wasn't full enough after their boss accidentally posted a picture of an outline of his junk to Twitter.

Weiner is apparently just like Brett Favre and myriad other famous dudes who don't seem to realize that most people -- especially famous and/or wealthy ones -- really need to use a dick picture to get laid. Especially not when they're sending them to a former porn star or Playmate, respectively. (Those women have probably seen dicks before. Lots of them, like enough to form a pipe organ made out of cocks with their mind's eye.) How anyone can honestly think a straight-up picture of their dong is really going to get them very far with a woman is completely beyond me. To the point I'm not going to even try it, and I'll try almost anything to get laid.

But, if you want to snap pictures of your dick, that's fine. More power to you. It's not like I'm going to tell you to stop, or for girls to not send them my way if they ever have the urge. Especially if you're sending to receive (which, in Weiner's case with the porn star, is kind of unnecessary, since I've seen Ginger Lee in the buff more times than I can count on both hands, which I may or may not have used in the process of said visual encounters). You should know, though, there's a really strong chance it's going to go terribly wrong at some point. Especially if you're a public figure. Something fun and provocative becomes immediate ammunition for the person on the receiving end as soon as you fuck them over. The likeness of your dick can go viral in seconds, and let me tell you something you probably already know deep down: Dicks aren't the coolest looking things in the world, and everyone can find something wrong with yours if they look hard enough. And they will. A couple of weeks ago, I was for some reason having a discussion about the appearance of penises with a few female friends. Apparently, women look for things beyond size, like an even coloration and shit like that, just like dudes scrutinize nipples, even though they're all inherently similar with the obvious exception of size and also coloration. A noticeable exclusion to this is Greg Oden, of course. If I was carrying that thing (link is obviously not suitable for work or the male self esteem) around I'd be taking pictures with it every time I was done walking around for the night and could untape it from my thigh. Conceivably, the only negative comment you can make about that thing is it's too large, which will at least get you the consolation prize of daps from your friends and a backup career having sex on camera after you suffer that final work-related injury and all the managers in your industry decide you're not worth hiring. 

In fact, shame on anyone who has ever sent a dick picture after having seen Oden's. That's like sending people your high school basketball highlight clips and telling them you are the most clutch shooter to ever live after watching videos of Steve Kerr and Reggie Miller straight killing it. If Oden's monster was a jersey, it'd be retired.

But anyway. How do I know taking dick pictures is a bad news idea? I'm glad I can say I didn't come to this conclusion from experience, because I'm not that stupid. I know this because I'm a guy, and I know a lot of other guys. Pretty much all of us have at some time in our amateur dating careers garnered some scantily-clad or naked photographs of significant others. Most of them I know have kept them to themselves, at least until they've had their hearts shattered and have come to hate the person. Then, they're basically at the tipping point where one more wrong move, like taking the dog you shared or banging one of the football players at your college, and those pictures are going out to at least 42 percent of every single person he knows who is male and has an email address or a cell phone.

Thing is, too, that these photographs never get deleted. We keep them. They are insurance and a warped form of nostalgia we keep on our phones and computers and back up on our external hard drives. So that way, if the laptop crashes, at least you'll be able to retain the pictures of boobs and files of music you've accrued through the years, both of which you've come by under shady circumstances.

A few weeks ago, I was messing with my friend and told him I was going to have sex with his ex-girlfriend. Ten minutes later, I checked my email and found about a dozen lewd pictures of her. The subject line simply read "incentive." If I wanted to, I could send those to anybody I wanted.

Doesn't that freak you out a little bit? It probably should, right? Even if you do have a really nice body, you probably don't want it sent to a bunch of leering male 20-somethings. I haven't sent these photos to anybody, because I don't really have a desire to or anything to gain from doing so. Also, I barely know this girl. If we'd been dating and she cheated on me or rebounded with someone like Sean Penn, it would probably be a different story. (Ball is in your court, Ryan Reynolds.) If she was a celebrity, however, like Blake Lively or Vanessa Hudgens, both of whom like to get naked and take pictures of themselves like they're in the raunchy sorority on the celebrity campus, it'd be different. If, say, Penn Badgley sent me some Lively stills she took with the assistance of a fucking mirror, I'd sell those to someone immediately. I mean, why not, if you can profit financially from it? I'd justify doing something like that because anyone who is a well-known public figure who sends naked pictures via cell phone should have it in their mind as a forgone conclusion that it will end up somewhere millions of people are going to see it. It's absurd these people spend a huge chunk of their lives dodging paparazzi, but will take a solo picture of their jugs and send it to someone else.

(This should be addressed: In Lively and Hudgens cases, along with others, it's been hinted at that the release of nude photographs are a sort of guerrilla marketing campaign to promote their upcoming movie. I don't think this really works, because now that I've seen Lively naked, I might actually have a lessened desire to go see "The Green Lantern." As far as I know, she doesn't even get naked in it, so it's kind of like giving the milk away and wondering why fewer people are trying to buy the cow. I'll probably still see it, though, because, you know: Reynolds's abs.)

I've heard love defined a lot of ways before. I hear people talk about unconditional love all the time, something I've never experienced before, romantically speaking. I think maybe in this day and age, when you're seemingly nothing 'til you're Facebook official, and people are so used to being connected at all times that they can't wait to see someone so they have to jerk it to cell phone pictures instead of using the spank bank, sexting may be the best way to tell if someone truly loves you.

Snap a picture of your genitals, and send that picture to your alleged love one. If he or she sets it free to the masses, then the two of you just weren't meant to be. If it stays between you for eternity (or until his or her college email account is unexpectedly deleted or Blackberry gets water damaged), then you must have something legitimate going.

But, at the same time, they might show it to everyone clandestinely, and you'll never, ever know about it. Unless you get famous and they sell them.

But ignorance is bliss and love is blind, I guess.

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