Monday, December 14, 2009

Christmas Songs

It seems like it starts earlier and earlier each year. The celebration of Christmas. Well, more the anticipation of Christmas, actually. If you’re anything like me, the anticipation of the holidays can actually be just as stimulating and exciting as the actual holiday. I feel like I’m always more enthusiastic on Christmas Eve as opposed to Christmas day, probably because right after Christmas there isn’t much to look forward to. (Unless you’re like my little sister and were born on the day after Christmas, which is a birthdate I don’t think I’d really want to have. Jesus’ birthday is a pretty difficult act to follow.) I think this is why I’ve always been an advocate of playing of Christmas tunes before Thanksgiving, which defies conventional wisdom. It used to be some sort of unwritten law that true Christmas festivities wouldn’t begin until the day after Thanksgiving, when people flock to the malls at ridiculously early hours and all of the light music stations begin playing exclusively Christmas music. I’ve always sought to shatter this status quo, and so I was out of my fucking mind excited when I was driving home for Thanksgiving break last month--six days prior to Thanksgiving--and turned off my iPod (because my musical tastes are so depressing that if I listen to it the entire three hour drive home I start to get an urge to drive my car off of a bridge and begin to question my own sanity) to switch to the radio. When I was seeking through the channels, I came across Pittsburgh’s WISH 99.7, the station that my girl Delilah is syndicated on in the area, and they were already playing a Christmas song.

Now, I don’t remember what song it was that I first heard. But I do know that right after that one they played “Little Drummer Boy,” and then after that they played “Silent Night.” I didn’t know what was going on, but I fucking loved it. Then I heard an advertisement alerting me to the fact that WISH was already playing Christmas music all the time. I did a little fist pump in my car, and started hoping they’d play Trans Siberian Orchestra song (more on that later) before I pulled into my driveway--but they didn’t, so I had to play it on my CD player when I got home and was unpacking. And yes, I do own one of their CDs. After that, I went out to the kitchen to cook some food, and popped the Charlie Brown Christmas CD into the really loud sound system we have in the dining room. My mom came home and questioned my early festivity, and I told her that Christmas was getting started fucking early this year. I told her about WISH playing all the Christmas music, and also that I would be listening to almost exclusively holiday-themed music from that point until Christmas day (I say almost exclusively because sometimes I still like to sit in my room and listen to depressing songs, like the 15-year-old inner-emo kid that I am).

I was frightened that I would get sick of this music, and that it might ruin it for me in the future, especially since there aren’t many quality modern Christmas songs coming out anymore. But, I’m a man of my word, and am happy to report that my ceaseless absorption of Christmas music has yet to turn me into the Grinch or this weird dude my mom knows that wants to tell his 4-year-old son that Santa Claus isn’t real (which is completely untrue).

One thing it has done, though, is make me really analyze these songs, just like I do with anything else that I listen to frequently. It’s not really ruining them for me, since I know that holiday songs aren’t really supposed to be searched for hidden messages, but merely enjoyed because they make you merry and shit, but I still do think about it. You can’t really help it when you’ve heard “The Twelve Days of Christmas” for about the 43rd time in less than a month.

So, I have some thoughts about some of the more popular songs I’ve been hearing. And I’d like to share them with you.

The Twelve Days of Christmas: When I was younger, I never really gave a thought to this song at all. It was just cool because you got to keep repeating shit over and over. I never really thought about the items that one lover was giving the other until this year, when I realized that almost all of them were completely absurd. In fact, I’ve studied the list of gifts given over a period of 12 days, and have come to the conclusion that the only ones I would want would be five golden rings (Cash4Gold.com pays a holiday bonus), nine ladies dancing and maybe the eight maids-a-milking, but that one is kind of vague, so I’d have to get a little more information on what exactly was going on with those servants. I can tell you one thing, though: I would not want 11 pipers piping (unless they were smoking something from their pipes), or 12 drummers drumming. That shit is extremely loud, and I don’t have room for 23 people playing instruments in my house. Think about it. If you woke up on Christmas morning to a fucking drum line in your living room, would you really want to date the person that sent those to you anymore? If I were the one singing this song, I would replace “true love” with “first love,” because as soon as some broad sent me 10 lords-a-leaping, I’d have my personal information on Facebook changed to single, interested in women and looking for random play/ whatever I can get.

The rest of the gifts consist of edible livestock and aviary creatures, which I don’t really need because I have access to a grocery store where I can find meat that is already killed and prepared to the point that all I have to do is throw it in the oven (same reason I don’t hunt).

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer: I’m not sure what came first, this song or the movie, but both carry the same message as far as I’m concerned: Rudolph is a fucking reindeer, and he’s a million times better at burying grudges than I am. He’s not only the most famous reindeer of them all, but he’s also the most selfless.

Allow me to tell you how it would’ve went down if I was in Rudolph’s shoes (hoofs?). If I would’ve gotten chastised from my early childhood about a physical deformity (red nose, obviously), and pretty much cast out of society as I knew it, I would’ve become pretty embittered. I would’ve met that dentist named Hermey and probably plotted some kind of plot to fuck up the rest of the reindeer. I probably would’ve employed the help of that huge snow monster too. I sure as shit wouldn’t have immediately gone into service for Santa to save Christmas without throwing down a few requests.

Okay, maybe I would’ve, just because saving Christmas would be a pretty important calling that, if one had the opportunity to participate in, they probably would. I definitely wouldn’t have been as fucking chipper as Rudolph, though. He was slighted in a big and unjust way. Nobody should be rejected for physical characteristics, and Rudolph’s immediate concession and joviality with having the responsibility of guiding the sleigh is pretty unrealistic. If I were him, I probably would’ve acted like Bruce Willis in the Die Hard movies: I would’ve agreed to help, because it seemed like something I almost had to do, but I wouldn’t have been fucking happy about it, and I wouldn’t have been too nice to the others along the way. I would’ve probably pulled off the salvation of Christmas, then come back to the north pole and developed an expensive drug/drinking problem. I’d sit in the bar all day and talk about how one year I’d save Christmas for two reasons: to make all the little good boys and girls in the world happy, and to spite those fucking prick reindeer that used to rip on me.

Baby, It’s Cold Outside: I never really got too into this song until this year. The only version I could pick out was the Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey version. (By the way, Nick Lachey is making a pretty tight comeback. I’m watching a new show called “The Sing-Off” right now on NBC. He’s hosting it. It’s basically an “American Idol” kind of deal, except with acappella groups, and Ben Folds is one of the judges. It’s funny, because Spencer and me were just talking about where that guy went, and said he should be like Mario Lopez and start to host shit. We’re clairvoyant. Anyway, I’m glad to see he’s doing better than Jessica Simpson. He deserves it after she cheated on him with Dane Cooke.)

Anyway, it just occured to me this year that the dude singing in this song is a hardcore creep. I mean, listen to it closely, and you’ll figure it out. The girl’s talking about how she has to leave because her parents will be worried about her and stuff, but the guy just keeps talking about how it’s too cold for her to leave, and that she should take off her coat and just keep boozing with him. I mean, it’s obvious that this dude is trying to get the girl ripped and get himself laid. I wouldn’t be surprised if he actually put a little something in the woman’s booze to get her a little submissive (the girl even asks “say, what’s in this drink?” at one point during the song).

Date rape is not what Christmas is about. I mean--at the risk of sounding absolutely awful--Mary had her kid on Christmas without ever having even gotten laid, right?

Keep it in your fucking pants, James Taylor.

Wonderful Christmastime & Happy Christmas (War is Over): I hear both of these songs by former Beatles members every single year, and I’ve always been a little split on which one I like better. I really amped up my thoughts on this a couple of weeks ago when me and a bunch of my friends had a huge debate/argument that lasted days over which band/artist made better music in a lyrical sense, Kanye West or The Beatles. (We tend to have these arguments a lot, because people have a hard time separating actual talent from a person’s shortcomings as a person--someone actually tried telling me that Taylor Swift was more talented than Kanye West a few weeks ago. I mean, just because Kanye West got up in front of thousands of people and hated on some teenage pop/country star doesn’t mean that he doesn’t write some of the greatest lyrics ever. Just like because millions of young women adored the Beatles doesn’t mean that they weren’t overrated or were the greatest lyricists of their time, because they obviously can’t hold a candle to Bob Dylan or Mick Jagger.)

I’ve always given Lennon’s song the edge, because when I was younger, my mom had this holiday themed screensaver/icon setting on our family computer, and everytime you double-clicked on something you would hear McCartney singing “wonderful christmastimeeeeeeee,” and it drove me fucking crazy. I’m sure part of this also has to do with the fact that I’ve always been a bigger fan of Lennon than McCartney, for reasons I don’t even understand. I spent a lot of time trying to decide which one I liked better (and tried to leave Yoko Ono out of it, since she pretty much marked the end of an era which makes me immediately feel spite for her), and at the end I just came to the conclusion that both songs aren’t really that great at all.

I’d rather listen to “All I Want for Christmas is You” by Mariah Carey any day.

Christmas Eve/Sarajevo 12/24: Trans Siberian Orchestra is one amazing band, and they make holiday music that is comparable to nothing else out there on the market. This song, in my opinion, is the band’s best work. It’s definitely their most popular. Every time I hear it, I get this powerful mix of emotions. I’m almost overcome with the Christmas Spirit, but I’m also ready to do something extremely epic. If I was ever put into some kind of scenario where I had to fight terrorists that had taken over a shopping mall on Christmas Eve, I would want this song to come in when I was loading all of my weapons and preparing for my last desperate and heroic seemingly-suicidal surge against those haters, I’d want it to be this song.

Seriously. Listen to it once, and see if you don’t imagine yourself cocking a shotgun and saying something like, “Silent night, my ass. Let’s get merry.” Of course, you’d be saying this while crouching right behind the plastic baby Jesus’ manger in the mall’s fake nativity set.

I should write scripts.

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: I had to save the most bewildering and ridiculous for last. This is a song that is usually received good-naturedly, and I don’t know why. I mean, it’s about a kid’s mom cheating on her husband with a fat dude with a long dirty white beard (that mommy allegedly tickles!) in a red and white suit. Also, Santa Claus is obviously married to Mrs. Claus, and has been for an astronomically long time. Actually, longer than pretty much any couple I’ve ever known. The fact that this man is going astray while he’s traveling around the country masquerading as this great guy that gives a ton of shit away is pretty unsettling (it’d be Bill Gates or Oprah cheating on their significant others). And, if you think about it, if Santa is getting fresh with this one lady underneath the mistletoe, wouldn’t logic dictate that he’s making time with ladies all over the fucking globe? It wouldn’t be irrational to think that Santa is hooking up with American, Asian, African, European, Australian and Russian women all in the same night, thus completing a gigantic chunk of my bucket list in less than 24 hours. Think about it. How many homes do you think Santa is breaking every Christmas Eve? And the little kid singing the song says, “Oh what a laugh it would have been if Daddy had only seen Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night.” Are you fucking kidding me? This kid must have a strange sense of humor if he would’ve been laughing at his dad trying to pull a morbidly obese man in black leather boots from the fucking chimney.

I don’t understand why people are giving Tiger Woods so much attention. All that guy can do is golf. He’s not known as this guy that gives toys to every good boy and girl the world over once a year. I mean, if you ask me, Santa is the one that should have his own Gatorade flavor. Well, at least I thought so until I heard this damn song. And this whole thing’s not going to help the children of today at all. No wonder so many people are obese and cheat on their spouses. It’s because they idolize Santa Claus.

No comments: