Just Some Ranting.

I'm sitting here, void of my damaged tonsils and high as a kite on Percoset. I figured that for the first few days after my surgery, I would be the most agitated and inconvenienced by the excruciating pain that would accompany such a procedure, but I was wrong (probably because the medicine helps so much with this aspect of the process). What's really bothering me is my inability to speak. I can barely talk, and when I do make an attempt, I don't have much resonance behind it.

This is particularly difficult for me, because I'm constantly filling the silence, and very often have a great deal of difficulty keeping my mouth shut. Especially when I am in some form intoxicated. So, since I'm incapacitated and unable to do anything else, I figured I'd just let my mind wander, and ramble on some of the random things that I think of in the next hour or so (or until I exhaust myself and pass out). I don't know why this would be of an interest to anyone other than myself, but I'm going to do it anyway. It's important to talk about the...issues.

--I really, severely dislike Asher Roth. I'm watchin MTV Hits right now, and he's presenting his "Hit List." This is about an hour's worth of videos that an artist enjoys and chooses to present. I've been watching it for about 15 minutes, and in that time have not seen any videos that I even remotely enjoyed. I didn't even know it was his Hit List until he came on to introduce the video I'm currently watching--which is one of his own videos. That's how you can always tell if the person doing a Hit List is a douche bag. They play one of their own fucking videos. If that's not conceited, I don't really know what is. Fuck this shit, I'm turning it off. Maybe I can find an episode of Murder, She Wrote or True Life: I Have Man Tits.

I think where my real problem with Asher Roth stems from is probably jealousy. It's a different brand of envy than I'm really familiar with, though. I'd usually be jealous of a celebrity because they're so much cooler than I am, and though I can't say that Roth isn't exponentially more hip than I am, I can't help but feel that what he's doing isn't hard, and that it's not something I could feasibly do myself. I mean, this dude writes songs about how he loves college, and he pretty much loves it for all of the same reasons that I do, except I'm apparently not as adept as he is at getting women naked. I also do not really like Banker's Club, and can honestly say that I have never sipped it. I've taken shots of it and thought about how it might be capable of taking paint off of walls (maybe this somehow contributed to the deterioration of my tonsils...), but I've never sipped it.

--Since we're talking about rap music, I'd like to address the term "swagger," or "swagga," as it were. Just what the fuck is it? Do I have it? I mean, I hear a lot of stuff in songs about "turnin' the swag on" and what not, but nobody ever really defines it. Is it just some type of extreme confidence? Can you see it in somebody's walk or distinctive gait? How do I get it? I feel like if I gain some swagger, I'll be a lot more successful in just about every aspect of my life. I'm going to start experimenting and trying out different approaches to acquire an adequate swagger. I'll start by wearing obscure flat-brimmed hats, smoking White Owls, laughing slyly about nothing in particular, and washing myself with that Old Spice bodywash that is, in fact, called Swagger.

--Yesterday evening, I was reading my local newspaper, and saw that a student had been thrown--or coaxed--out of Grove City College because he was a gay porn star. GCC is kind of against porn, or anything else cool, because they're one of those really christian schools. You know what I'm talking about, one of those places where boys and girls aren't allowed to be in the same room with one another with the door closed, which could possibly be why the dude in question decided to go with the whole gay approach.

Now, I don't agree with someone being forced out of the school they pay to go to because of something legal that they do with their personal life, but that's not really something I'd like to get into right now. Basically, the Jesus freaks are the way they are, and I don't think I'd be able to change that. They are about as rational as Kanye West at times, and probably just as stubborn.

What I would like to talk about, though, is how the administration found out. Allegedly, another student at the school recognized the aforementioned student when he was viewing pornography on a video website. That strikes me as funny, and I wonder why that kid isn't in trouble. Isn't watching it and punching your clown to it (because I doubt he was just watching it for the acting) nearly as bad as actually being in it? Why was this kid watching gay porn, and why would he e-mail it to a bunch of his friends? Is he not being made fun of at all?! Because he should be.

I also found out yesterday that the first case of Swine Flue found in my hometown area came from a student at GCC. I don't know if that's related, but maybe god's trying to strike them down for their hedonistic ways. Also, isn't a case of the Swine Flu something that would probably garner most of your attention, and not some guy cornoholing people on video? I'm just not sure if they have their priorities straight or not.

--Sometimes I see people with mustaches, and wonder if anyone has every honestly thought that their appearance is more appealing if they are rocking a full-grown mustache. Has anyone? I know peopel say that Tom Selick and Burt Reynolds and people like that look better, but this is probably only because they've never, ever seen them without one. Mustaches are, for all intents and purposes, a joke. The only people in my generation that grow them are people who want attention and think it's funny, or are truly dissilussioned. With that being said, I think I'm going to grow a post-surgery 'stache.

--Have you ever seen a hardcore sex scene on television that involves a severely tatted-up vampire throwing it at a woman in the doggy style position while she's tied up? Sounds pretty ridiculous, right? Well, I saw it just the other night when I was watching the pilot of a series about vampires called True Blood. This is something that I can handle, because I'm a 21-year-old kid, and I appreciate that tv shows only get ahead now if they severely push the envelope.

Watching it while you're mom is in the room sitting on the couch next to you, though, is another story altogether, and I hope none of you have to ever experience a moment of such profound and discomforting awkwardness.

--I saw a segment on CNN today (I'm already running out of shit to watch on television) about a number of new websites that are offereing teenagers sexual advice via text message.

Seriously, what the fuck?

Technology is overtaking everything. Pretty soon people aren't going to know how to have a conversation face to face with their parents or anybody else, because they aren't required to. This is going to take a lot of the fun out of life. I feel like every kid should get to have some kind of "birds and bees" conversation with their parents, if only for the humorous story it will produce years later when they recollect about it. There's nothing memorable about learning how to put a condom on via text message. It's a lot like losing your virginity to a flesh light.

--How about that Manny Ramirez guy? What a fucking idiot. He was one of the only superstars who hadn't been busted in the huge steroid craze that has dominated professional baseball in the past few years. So, what does he do? He decides to take something and get busted this year. Baseball is now an absolute joke, and I mean it. I'm not only saying that because my fantasy team is in last place, either.

One thing I don't understand, though, is why the government gets involved in the entire steroid scandal. Don't they have more important things to worry about, too?

--It has surfaced recently that the guy from Jon and Kate Plus 8 has been messing around on his wife. I'd spend a few paragraphs talking about how appalled I am that he's doing that when he has a wife and eight kids, but I'm rarely surprised by acts of infidelity anymore. It has become pretty commonplace in today's society, and sadly so.

What really surprised me about this, though, is just how awful these parents actually seem when they aren't filming their show. The first article I read about this scandal said that Jon was seen leaving a bar with a broad at like 2 in the morning. Apparently, his wife wasn't around to figure it out because she was in Seattle on a tour promoting her new book about how fucking hard it is to raise so damn many kids.

But, doesn't this bring up the question of who the fuck is taking care of their kids? He's at a bar all night, and she is out of town. Think about it.

--I read an article on CNN's website that maintains that praying may help to improve your sex life. I am literally speechless. I guess I could make some joke about "pulling and praying," but even I have enough tact not to go there.

--I often complain that people don't read anymore. Apparently, I'm wrong. I read an article about a 54-year-old woman who has posted nearly 13,000 book reviews on Amazon's website. This equals out to one book a day, every day, for 35 years. She says she makes her way through four or five books a day, and posts reviews for all of them. I think it's awesome that this woman reads, but when does she get laid? Or even eat? She says that her ultimate goal in life is to read every single vampire book ever published. I say good luck, because people are taking the whole vampire craze a little bit too far. Twilight was a phenomenon that will probably not be repeated, and the more people write about vampires, the worse it seems to get. I bet Bram Stoker would be ten kinds of pissed if he was still around.

--Percoset is a hell of a drug.