Tuesday, March 24, 2009

An Open Letter to Boyz II Men Bass Singer Michael McCary

Dear Mr. McCary,

You are, without a doubt, my favorite member of Boyz II Men, the most successful and awesome all-male rhythm and blues vocal group in the history of the world. Or at least the ‘90s.

I’d be willing to bet that you don’t really get that compliment so often, or at least not sincerely (and certainly not as much as you should, damnit), but I assure you that I am completely serious, sir. Of the original four members of the band, you are the one whose action figure I would purchase first, if indeed they ever existed.

Why are you my favorite? It’s simple. As a self-proclaimed wallflower myself, I deeply admire—and empathize with—your ability to blend into the background and surrender the limelight to your band mates. While they are bitching and moaning about love lost, you are content to stand off to the side, absent-mindedly bobbing your head and otherwise doing absolutely nothing.

To the inexperienced Boyz II Men listener, it might seem like you’re not even paying attention to what’s going on. But then comes that part of the song, usually following the second chorus, when there are only instruments playing softly in the background while one of your group mates moans all types of unintelligible noises in extremely high pitches.

This, Mr. McCary, is when you come into the musical picture, and this is when you shine. Who cares if it’s the only time you even open your mouth during the entire song? You come to the front of the stage, the spotlight shines on your forlorn visage, and you begin to talk. Not sing, just talk. But, you provide the most heartfelt portion of the entire song. In the song “On Bended Knee,” for instance, you say things like, “Baby, I’m sorry, please forgive me for all the wrong I’ve done,” and “please come home girl.” At this point, you’ve definitely got the attention of the woman you’re speaking to (or that of the estranged girlfriend to whom the song is being played by a desperate, philandering man). Then, you go in for the kill when you say, “I know you put all of your trust in me, and I’m sorry I let you down.” You then ask her to forgive you. Again. What woman could ever say no to that? Not any that I have dated, that’s for damn sure.

Not only do I admire you because of the fact that you’ve got strong enough character traits to admit when you’re in the wrong, but also because you do it in such an effective manner while performing in an R&B band without even singing a word. Really, you sing only slightly more often than those two dudes from Milli Vanilli.

In closing, though, I must admit one thing: that I am jealous of you, Mr. McCary. I am green with envy over your occupation, because it has to be the easiest and most pressure-free celebrity job in existence. Except for hand model or NFL punter.

This doesn’t mean that I don’t respect you. You are a hero, Michael—may I call you Michael? Your voice has played a large part in saving my marriage, and I just thought you should know that you are deeply appreciated.

With Warm Regards,

****This was something I had to write for one of my classes, and I've sent it to McSweeney's to try and get it published. We'll see what happens.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Trying to get a little attention.

If you enjoy some of the stuff I put up on here, please take a second and click the above icon. It will apparently give me some exposure. The more people that click it, the more exposure I get. Thanks a lot, everyone.