Of course, I'm talking about The Kiss Cam.
If any of you haven't been fortunate enough to go to a sporting event in the last eight or so years, let me explain the kiss cam. It's pretty much what the name entails: cameramen across the arena or stadium focus their lenses on what usually appears to be a heterosexual couple, and then videoshot appears on the jumbotron. The couples are expected to squeeze in a quick smooch before the screen moves onto the next couple. Depending on the kissing performance of the couple mixed with their overall cuteness factor (more on this in a little), they get a congratulatory and usually satisfied cheer from the crowd.
(One of the reasons I love this is because it's almost like training for pornography. If you're able to kiss your significant other in front of 15,000 people, you'll eventually have less of a problem giving a woman a hot carl while being filmed by an Australian director on a bed in a studio. That is, however, neither here nor there. It's like tee ball before real baseball.)
So, I got all psyched for the kiss cam, watched it, and cheered with everyone else that was there. Afterwards, I tried to decide why I really always got so hot and bothered about the kiss cam. I immediately discerned that it wasn't because I felt I had a chance of getting on it, because I almost never take girls to sporting events with me, at least not a significant other. This is for a number of reasons. Firstly, I rarely ever have a significant other. Secondly, I'd have to find a pretty good one to bring, that actually knew what was going on and would be enjoyable to watch sports with. (Not all women fit this criteria, believe it or not. No offense fair maidens, but I'm not dropping 80 bucks to take you to a Penguins game just so you can tell me the whole time that Fedotenko is sexy when you know if he wasn't a millionaire you'd say he looked like a Cabbage Patch kid.)
So, we've ruled out that I wanted my moment in the limelight. Other than that, I couldn't figure it out, and as I mulled it over I realized two things:
----I get way too excited, way too easily, about very unexcitable things. Like kiss cams, Angry Whoppers, and new episodes of Flight of the Conchords. (I lied, those last two things are very fucking exciteable.)
----The kiss cam almost always ends up the same.
It's true, no matter where you are, the kiss cam always has the same characteristics, night in and night out. (I'm basing this on the 40 or so games I've been at in the past few years that have included kiss cams. If you have seen something outside of what I'm about to describe, please e-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org and let me know that I should no longer stereotype.)
Here are a few of the usual couples you see on the kiss cam:
- There's always the normal couple, and they're typically in their late 20's to early 30's. Usually, the female half has to tap her man on the arm and point up to the jumbotron, because he's trying to get the beer man's attention so he can get another 8 dollar Coors Light. He looks up, gives that little close-mouthed smile and eyebrow raise that Jack from Will & Grace would flash when he saw a body builder, and leans in to give his better half a peck on the mouth. The crowd cheers, they both smile, and then the man goes back after the beer man. He's probably thinking, "I should keep buying these expensive Coors Lights while I can, because I still have money and it's good practice at being raped. This is important to me because I hear that 50 percent of marriages these days end in divorce, so I won't have money when that happens, and I'll already know what it feels like to be raped before her lawyers zap my cock with a cattle prod."
- There's always the guy and girl who look like a couple, but are merely friends. The guy is usually sitting there with his fingers crossed and his cock already propped up in his waistband, just in case the camera comes onto him and he gets to kiss the girl of his dreams. He's been waiting something like 8 years for this very opportunity, thinking that there's no way she'd deny the all-powerful kiss cam. The camera focuses on them, the kid bursts out into a brace-laden smile, and the girl immediately blushes to a shade of almost purple and commences to shake her head "no" in an emphatic fashion. This goes on for usually about 10-15 seconds, with the entire audience holding their breath, waiting for her to give in. They can't tell if she's just an uppity bitch, a Mormon, or both. They know that the issue's gotta be her, because they can tell from the dude that he would kiss anything, and that he just, in his head, offered his left testicle to whatever god he believes in if the girl will just lock lips with him. It eventually goes one of two ways: either the girl compromises and kisses the boy on the cheeeks, or she continues to shake her head no. Either one gets hearty boo's from the crowd, and more often than not, the cameraman will go back to them, hoping that the girl has had a change of heart or been slapped in the face for being such a prissy prude by someone sitting next to her, and the whole thing repeats itself. This time, the boo's get worse and she sometimes gets pelted in the head with a corndog.
- The parental married couple are usually in their late 30's to early 40's. They're both trying to get their kids to stop spilling nacho cheese on the people in front of them, so someone in the row behind has to tap them on the shoulders. They look up, the guy thinks about how this is about the most action he's going to get since last Valentine's Day when he bought her a Tiffany bracelet and Barry Mannilow collection, and the mom leans over and gives him a peck. She does this while keeping the angry look on her face, and is even more agitated now because she was bothered by some fucking cameraman that was trying to enhance the game experience for everyone. "Well, maybe he should try doing 8 loads of laundry and packing 3 lunches every fucking day, then," she usually says to her husband later that night in bed, when he asks if she's sleeping around on him.
- You cannot, I repeat, cannot forget the elderly couple. They are a staple of the kiss cam. I'm pretty sure the cameraman that finds the elderly couple gets a bonus for the night. There's not much to it, they just see themselves on the big screen, smile and look at one another with a look of love that has weathered the years. They lay a little peck down, and the crowd goes fucking NUTS. I guess this is because it instills a belief in people that love does actually exist, and that it can last through the years. Or, people can go senile. Same thing.
- The last one is the guy that I wish I could be if I was going to be on kiss cam. The guy that goes for it all. This motherfucker is usually in college, or someone around college age. They see themselves on the screen, and they're usually at least a little buzzed, or they're just one of those guys who aren't afraid of show-stopping. They immediately burst out of their seat and throw themselves onto their girl for a long, drawn-out and passionate kiss that lasts at least 10 seconds. The crowd also goes crazy. The only occurrence that gets a louder reaction is the occasional senior citizen that pulls this move. If you're at a game where this happens, go home and immediately put your ticket stub on eBay. It will pay for your schooling.