Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Chris Kringle is a Man Crush

If you ask pretty much anyone (that celebrates it, anyway) what their favorite day of the year is, I'm sure you'll get an overwhelming number that cite Christmas. They'll most likely maintain that this has been their favorite day of the year forever, and it's even better than their birthday.

How weird does that sound? That people like celebrating some other dude's birthday more than they enjoy celebrating their own. That just doesn't sound very plausible, but that's how it is.

Let's not fool ourselves here, though. Your majority of normal people do not enjoy celebrating Christmas because a savior was born. (I say majority, because there are people out there who actually honor the true meaning of Christmas, which is very admirable and I throw mad props to these people. Sadly, I am not one of these people, and if I went to church right now I don't think I'd even know what to do. I talk much too loudly and often to be in that place worshiping a being that is probably pretty modest and doesn't really want all of that attention anyway. It's like how Troy Polamolou would be if he was a religious deity.)

People like the holidays for family and stuff, but lets be completely candid here: people like Christmas because they get gifts. They may say they don't, but it's hiding there in the back of everyone's mind, no matter what they tell you. It's like when people tell you money doesn't matter to them, but in the back of their mind they're wishing they could live the lavish teenage life those kids on Gossip Girl are. Now, the man that encapsulates this whole gift thing is obviously Santa Clause, and that's why he's my Man Crush of the Month for December.

He's obviously not somebody I'd normally be crushing on in this totally heterosexual way, but he's appealing for so many reasons that I couldn't really pass up on it. You see, Santa represents many things. He's one of the most symbolic people out there, behind only Prince (I mean, he has his own symbol) and Paris Hilton (who symbolizes that stupid whores are almost always unjustly successful).

Lets start with the obvious. Santa symbolizes selflessness. Who the fuck do you know that would sequester themselves on a deserted ice cap for the entire year just so he can help a bunch of little people make presents for all of the good boys and girls across the globe? Really, this guy has sacrificed his entire social life (as parents also often do) to please children. He can't have much to do at all up there, except kick it with reindeer and elves. His only interaction with a woman is his wife, and they've been married for a long fucking time, so it's probably difficult for them to really get creative in a sexual manner anymore, which is pretty depressing (I've checked, Enzyte does not ship their free 30 day sample pack to the north pole). So, this guy does not give a good goddamn about himself, but he wants to make the world happy. It's unbelievable.

The next thing he represents is efficiency. Make no mistake, this guy gets shit done. He flies, in a sleigh, around the world, in one fucking night. He doesn't piss around at all. He suits up, gets his big sack, and goes after it. He makes no excuses, and he's always resourceful enough to achieve his mission no matter what. It's snowing too hard? Fuck it. Just find a reindeer with a red nose to guide the way when you're in hyperdrive on your way to Hong Kong to deliver 600 million GigaPets. I can't even write a five page paper in one night, and this guy is sneaking in chimneys.

Speaking of chimneys, Santa also represents being straight badass. He's above the law in a way that even Richard Nixon didn't believe he was. He commits more B & E's (breaking and enterings, if you're wondering) in one night than Jenna Jameson has given blowjobs in her entire career. I crunched the numbers and know this to be true. Lots of research was involved. Mr. Clause doesn't give a fuck about the police or anything else. He's so badass that he's actually vaguely like Batman, because he leaves the police scratching their heads. Just as Batman violates the laws of the land to apprehend criminals, Santa breaks into houses but leaves a bunch of shit for little kids. The only thing he takes is some cookies, a glass of milke, and occasionally carrots for his reindeer. It's very enigmatic.

Santa also represents true love, in kind of a strange way. He's obviously not very obsessed with his physical appearance, or else he wouldn't have such a huge paunch or a ZZ Top-esque beard. He also wouldn't rock that stupid fucking hat. But you know what? Santa is loved by all. He represents the kind of things that people should fall in love with, which is a good heart and a nice personality. You could make the argument that Santa's appeal is based largely on materialism, but he's really not that materialstic. He just hooks people up with gifts. I'd be surprised if he even has TIVO at his workshop at the pole. It's obvious that people are initially attracted to others by physical appearance, but when you get older you realize that there's a lot more that factors into that. If the person is smoking hot but treats you like you're more worthless than the bassist for Nickelback, you're not going to want to be with them. I'm pretty confident that Santa would never treat you like you're worthless, unless you've been a bad person all year. Even then, though, he still gives you coal, which could prove to be pretty worth it in today's climate. Natural resources are where it's at. Santa even tries to make the bad people rich, hoping that maybe when they get a shitload of money they will buy some gifts for the people that are special to them instead of cocaine and hookers. I don't know where I was going with that.

So Santa Clause is appealing. I like him, you like him, everyone likes him. He isn't as ripped as Jesus supposedly was, but he's still doing his part to make the holidays a merry time for everyone. That takes real humility to do all that he does for people so that they'll get psyched and celebrate someon else's birthday. If I was him, all I'd do is buy you a shot at the bar. Instead, he buys you a Red Rider BB gun and a new fucking sled.

Happy Holidays, everyone. Enjoy them and be safe.