Socialism is really the answer.

There's an election coming up, in case you didn't know. It's been a constant subject debate amongst my friends (and also kids I really don't like at all) about who should become the next president. This is healthy and all, but I never really understood political arguments. No matter who is right, no one can ever be convinced that they're wrong, or voting for the wrong candidate just by something someone says in between shots during a game of Power Hour or while they're trying to beat Tom Morello in Guitar Hero. It's basically a fool's errand, so while my friends bicker incessantly about it, I kind of zone out and think about my own things, as I am so often wont to do in any situation that would require actual meaningful and serious thought.

Try as I might, though, I was unable to steer my mind completely away from the presidential election, and I got to thinking about something: John McCain's wife, Cindy, is probably the hottest 54 year-old woman I've ever seen, and that's saying something. I've seen a lot of women over 50 in my day, and I am not really an age matters kind of guy--it's just a number, right?

Then, I thought about how fucking goofy John McCain is. This lady is (or at least used to be) actually boning him. And she's hott. I know girls that would pay to take it in the ass from Carrot Top that wouldn't touch McCain's penis. It's just absurd. I'm not saying this guy wouldn't be a great president (he wouldn't), but based on looks and personality, he should be a real bottom feeder.

My question was, how can one of the foxiest cougars roaming planet earth be banging the poor man's Manchurian Candidate? A guy that is thirty years her senior nonetheless? First guess would be money, but I guess her family has a shitload of it, so she didn't need any more of that. (Apparently, her pops owns some big beer distributing company, so maybe she's just drunk all the time and doesn't care who she's fucking. People like that do actually exist.) So, I came to the conclusion that she had tied the knot with this ugly and pretty lame man because he was powerful. They married when he was a Senator and his aspirations to become the president before he reached the age of 90 probably slipped in somewhere during pillow talk.

I was disgruntled by this, but not for long. I mean, all my life I've known that money and power can ultimately get a great many women to like you and become attracted to you. I'm not saying all women are materialstic in this way, but some are. (Maybe some guys are, also, but it seems like we're a different shallow. We just scope out hottness initially and then let the chips fall where they may. It doesn't matter how fucking out of whack they are, at least at first, we just follow our cocks like idiots.)

Think about it: hottness is sometimes based on societal status and position.

Girls will say a certain person is good looking, and I'm pretty sure it's because of their fame. It kind of cloaks their judgement and makes them attracted to something they wouldn't normally be into. One huge example of this that comes to mind is Michael Cera. I constantly hear women talk about how sexy Michael Cera is, and how they'd love to date him. That's cool and all, he makes good movies (even though he is the exact same character in every one of them, like a young Ben stiller), but he's just not equipped with an ass chicks would be trying to wax if he was a no-name and they ran into him at a dance club. If he hadn't been in movies, girls would walk by him on the street and not even take a second glance. They might make fun of him for being a nerd and wearing courdorouys. But, he's famous, so his image gets skewed to attractive. One of my friends even said, "I'd love for him to be my boyfriend, even though things would probably be pretty awkward in the bedroom."

If you look around, instances of this are all around. I constantly hear girls asking Sidney Crosby to put it in their five-hole. If they saw Crosby walking down the street and he wasn't the savior of hockey in Pittsburgh, they probably wouldn't think a thing about him. This one may be a little inaccurate though, because he really is fucking sexy.

To really nail this home, I'd like to say that Chad Kroeger is probably not a virgin, and has probably banged girls hotter than I will ever even kiss on the cheek. Think about it. Chad Kroeger. Have you seen his fucking hair?? Alt-rock chicks dig him because he's rich and famous. Someone out there probably thinks he's attractive, just like some people out there think you can build a boat out of an oak tree, ball of yarn, and love.

This kind of thing happens in high school, too. Kids that play and excel at sports are found attractive at least partially for that reason. Believe me. So this starts young, and it'll probably keep starting younger, just like everything these days. Pretty soon third graders will be blowing rails off of their recess lady's ass, and girls will be digging boys who can launch one out of the park during a game of kickball (while yakked out, which is impressive).

Is there a solution to all of this? I think so. In fact, I came up with two.

The first is to change our government to a communist/socialist regime.

I know, I know, you're like "You fucking idiot. There's no way we're going at shit like those fucking Chinese. They make great food at an economical price but their government sucks even worse than ours does! What the fuck is wrong with you?

Well, hear me out. This regime would have to be like a real socialist one, where everyone has the same amount of everything and everyone works equally as hard as their counterparts. Basically, everyone would be on the same level of prosperity, and what not. So, girls would see guys as really physically and/or mentally attractive without anything else standing in their way.

I'm pretty confident that if this would've been set in motion 20 years ago, David Hasselhoff would never have gotten a girl in his life.

I'm not proposing this because I think that I'm some sexy dude who should be ramming on Mrs. McCain or Megan Fox or anything like that, but because I like to see a fair fight. I've gotten to know John Mccain from the shit he says to me on TV everyday to know that I know a lot better people than him--both in looks and substance--and they should be the ones that get first cracks at that cougar wife he's got.

Something like this will never happen, and many girls will remain materialistic. Far too many, actually. There will be women (and men) out there for eternity who search only for financial excess and security or a pretty face to make them happy for the rest of their lives. The little things will continue to mean next to nothing to some people, but I guess there will also be people who rely on the little things and the right things for pretty much everything. If you're one of those people (female), let me know. Especially if you like really little things. (I was, of course, referring to my cock just now).

My second solution of the problem is to get rich and famous.