About two weeks ago, I was in a very dark place. A place I was certain I couldn't come back from. One of my heroes and a former man crush of the month had betrayed my trust and left me on the brink of insanity. I'm willing to bet that you were thinking the same things I was at that time, except my emotions were amplified by at least 10% and came with the sensation that one of my nuts was constantly lodged in the area between my groin and small intestines.
We were all thinking: What the fuck is Brett Favre doing?
The answer: Nobody, and I don't think even he, knows.
When he first began to express interest in coming back to the NFL, I was ecstatic. Then I heard people didn't want him. I could immediately see why. They were pissed because he'd expressed his desire to retire from the game, and they were all ready to move on. It's kind of like when you get the sweetest blowjob of your life in the 10th grade, break up with the girl, and then decide later on that you'd like to have her back, only to find that she's moved on and is now dating a total tool.
You might say that the two things aren't even remotely related, but if you observe poignantly, they surely are. The 'you' in the story is Favre, the 'girl' is the Green Bay Packers, and the 'total tool' is Aaron Rodgers (the man slated to take our future Commander In Chief's place). Yep. I hope you brought your umbrella, because I'm raining knowledge.
The realization of this, coupled with the conjecture that Favre would not end up in a Packers' uniform this coming season but in a suit for another team--quite possibly the Vikings, who wear purple. Fucking Purple--was simply too much, and I decided to just let it all go. I stopped watching ESPN for a while, waiting for it all to go away. I actually watched the real news, and knew what was going on in the world politically. That's how bad it got.
In other words, I moved on. I picked a new favorite player, Trent Dilfer, because I knew he was retired and would stay that way, if only because nobody else would take him. He wouldn't hurt me like Favre and Jake Plummer had. I knew what to expect from him. He'd be on ESPN on Sundays, doing some color commentating, and he might even make me laugh every now and then. Trent Dilfer made me believe in a world of laughter that I'd thought was gone the day #4 hung up his cleats.
I decided I could start watching ESPN again, because I'd heard through the grapevine that the Pirates had traded their best two players to the Yankees and Red Sox, and that they were scorching the American league. I wanted another reason to get mad at the sporting world, and another reason to move away from home. In the sports world, we call that a win-win situation.
I figured the whole ordeal with Favre was at some kind of standstill, because I refused to talk to anyone about him, because they would almost always bring up the articles I wrote for the school paper or the blog entries I'd written about the man, ceaslessly praising him, and what a douchebag he was acting like.
So, in preparation for the event, I had my mom stop in a convenience store in China Town (I'm in DC right now) and buy me a bottle of Blue Rasberry Mad Dog 20/20--sadly, that was not a joke. I came back to my hotel and cracked it open, and decided to check ESPN's website before turning the television on. That way if I saw a photo of Roger Goodell skull-fucking my man crush, I could quickly shut the computer monitor off and keep myself from the bad news.
As I got the page up, I was terrified to find that Brett's picture was on the homepage. I tried to stick with my initial plan, and I did. But I kept finding my way back to the page, telling myself I was trying to figure out if Brian Deegan had scored a gold medal yet at the X-Games, and if manny Ramirez had choked on a burrito and died.
But really, I was looking at Favre. And, eventually I read the article. It told me that as of Monday (tomorrow), Favre would be reinstated and listed as an active member of the Packers' roster. Their coach was rumored to be planning a quarterback competition between him and Rodgers to decide who would start.
The first thing I did was get an erection. Then, I decided my silence had to end. I was tempted to write something about Favre before, when all of this started, but I just couldn't. The knife had gone too deep. I experienced my first real bout with writers block. Everytime I sat down at my computer, I would break into tears and be forced to listen to the Kangaroo Jack soundtrack for the rest of the night in order to cheer myself back up.
I didn't know what to write about though, because I could address the way he's acting, but I was totally flabbergasted by it. Instead, I decided to focuse on the argument that the Packers shouldn't take him back, because it's Aaron Rodgers time to start as quarterback there.
That is a terrible argument. Why does Rodgers deserve to play? He hasn't earned it at all, and it's not like his uncle is the offensive coordinater. Whoever's most qualified for the job should get the job. I don't think anyone would say Rodgers has a better chance of leading the Pack to the Superbowl than Favre. No more than I have a better chance at writing a kickass novel about a boy-wizard than J.K. Rowling does.
Favre holds many records in the NFL. Rodgers can't even hold Favre's jockstrap, though I'm sure they made him do it during his rookie season. They may have made him wring it out on his face too. Mushroom stamps may also have been involved.
I, personally, welcome Brett Favre back to the NFL, and feel that the prospect of Rodgers starting over him is the same as me getting married and being happy about it. (Except that Chris Berman would not cover my wedding. If he did, he'd probably say something like "He...could...go...all...the...way...less than 50% of the time.")
Brett Favre is back, and I am fucking happy about it. I hope he starts on opening day, and pulls off his comeback in a greater fashion than Michael Jordan or David Hasselhoff did, or I'm going to sound like a total idiot.
Now, though, if Favre's playing football, he will almost certainly not be the next President of our great Nation. That's a big problem, but lets face it, that's not as important as football...
No comments:
Post a Comment