Saturday, February 2, 2008

This Super Bowl is going to Suck

The Super Bowl is tomorrow, and I'm pretty excited.

Okay, that's a lie. That's what I probably would've written last year, and definitely would've written the year before, but somehow enthusiasm for this year's big game is evading me. There are reasons for this, and I think they're reasons that I share with many others who will be sitting down to watch the game because it's a tradition, the commercials are awesome, and there's not anything else to do on a Sunday night.

I feel strongly that my excitement about the game has been all but destroyed by one factor: ESPN. I love sports, and a sports channel is awesome, but they repeat themselves way too much. I know that there's a chance that the Patriots could complete the perfect season, and that should be exciting to a sports enthusiast such as myself, but there's only so much you can say about it. It's all that I've heard about the last two weeks, and the four months previous to that. We all know that the Patriots are fucking great, so why do we need Sean Salisbury screaming it at us everytime we switch to channel 29?

They'll take a break sometimes to talk about two other things: 1) The Patriots, in all their awesomeness, are apparently cheaters, and 2) Eli Manning, not Peyton, somehow found his way to the Super Bowl (which is the equivalent to Joe Paterno finding something his coaching staff will actually let him do).

So, the Patriots were busted for cheating and it was originally exposed by Eric Mangini, the Jets head coach and former assistant to Belichick in New England, which means that he most likely participated in the (almost) cheating. Doesn't that sort of ruin his credibility? And, I'm sorry to say it, but this whole thing doesn't mean shit. They may have done illegal filming for one game this season, which was when they beat the Jets. I'm pretty sure Knoch high school's girl's basketball team could beat the fucking Jets. They have gone on to beat the Hell out of almost every team they've played this season, without any kind of unfair advantage. (I'd also like to point out that New England probably wasn't the only team cheating in this way. Saying they would would be akin to alleging that Barry Bonds was the only baseball player using HGH.)

The bottom line is that, though their coach is an arrogant douchebag, the Patriots are the best football team in the world, and the only way they're going to lose this game is by some kind of fluke.

Now, if you've ever watched the Mannings play for their teams, you know which one is a better player, and you know which one is on a better team. There's not a person in this world that would argue that Eli is better than Peyton. (Except for Skip Bayless, and it wouldn't be a reasonable argument because his usually aren't.) Also, everybody knows that the Colts are a better team with better players and better coaching. The Giants almost blew their season because after their kicker missed one field goal, Coughlin screamed at him so loud that he probably shit his pants before he kicked the next one--which he missed. They very easily could be sitting at home right now while we listen to the people at ESPN talk about Tony Romo, Terrell Owens, and Jessica Simpson getting freaky in a three-way in Tijuana while they should have been studying tape of how bad the Patriots were going to massacre them.

Eli Manning is not a Super Bowl quarterback, just like Ben Rothlisberger isn't. They're both severely overrated, but Manning is the worst. You could've made the argument earlier this season that the only reason he was even starting in the league was because of his last name. You've got to wonder what Peyton is thinking deep down. He's gotta know that he's better than his kid-brother, and that if his team was in the NFC they would have bathed in the Packers' blood two weeks ago.

Imagine how pissed he'd be if he hadn't gotten a ring last year.

If you can't tell, my main issue with this is that I really don't want either team to win, but I pretty much know the Patriots are going to win. By a lot. Because they were accused of cheating. Again. And whenever they were first accused of cheating, they decided to blow everyone out to show just how good they were. Now, they're going to be really angry, and when Tom Brady gets angry, he gets that competitive look in those beautiful eyes that I could swim for days in (oops.) and he straight-up makes it rain out there. They're also pissed because Plaxico Burress' tall, stupid ass decided to guarantee victory and said the Patriots are only going to score 10 points.

I think the combination of that is going to result in a game that is over before halftime, which will feature Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers.

(Let's recap. I'm going to watch because: a) the commercials are good and I'll probably see a preview for Ironman with Robert Downey Jr., and b) because there's a 1 in 10 chance that Petty will play "Free Falling" and I'll get to remember the days when Tom Cruise was cool in Jerry Macguire as I sing along with tears rolling down my face, and c) he might follow that up with "American Girl.")

My first prediction: The Patriots are going to win 42-10. I really don't want that to happen. I'd like to see a close game that goes down to the wire, and I really am not going to be happy if the Patriots win. But, I won't be too happy if the Giants pull it out either.

My second prediction: Eli Manning shits the bed and throws three to five interceptions, and walks off of the field after every one with that strange Manningesque expression of confusion while he mulls over the fact that he could've sworn that cheating son-of-a-bitch Rodney Harrison was wearing a Giants jersey. These camera shots will be followed by footage of the Manning clan in a box. You'll see Archie crying as he lives vicariously through his youngest son and tells himself that "if you would've ever actually made it to the Super Bowl, or even the playoffs, you wouldn't have fucked it up like this." Then you'll see Mrs. Manning, clapping and shouting for her son to, "shake it off, honey!" even though he's a hundred thousand feet away from her. Then, you'll see Peyton, trying to decide if he feels good or bad about his little brother's self-destructive nature, and the world will finally get to see if Peyton's wife is actually hot or not.

Lenny Smith's prediction: Patriots by "eh, I don't know."

"More than likely the Patriots are going to win, but I'd really like to see them lose, because they cheat. They're cheaters, and I don't like cheaters and liars."

I think in some way, Lenny feels like Bill Belichick has forsaken him. I don't know. He was also pissed about my reference to Joe Paterno, and when I told him Penn State wasn't playing in the big game, he looked at me with that Manning look of confusion.

This is going to be one confusing game for me, and for a lot of the world. I won't feel those pangs of excitement or disappointment when one team does or does not do something.

The only thing I can hope is that I can get on here tomorrow and write, "Son of a bitch. My predictions were all wrong. The game ended in a tie after they ran out of commercials to run."

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