Saturday, February 9, 2008

Kev Gets in on the Action with a Man Crush

Hello, I’m Scott’s older brother Kevin, and this is my motherfucking guest spot. I’ve been bitching at Scott to write a February man crush on either Taylor Kitsch (aka Tim Riggins from Friday Night Lights), or everybody’s favorite dead guy, Heath Ledger. Since it’s already February and I haven’t seen this entry yet, I’ve decided to take matters into my own hands.
Basically all you need to know about Tim Riggins is that he’s a bad ass and he’s a drunk. Dude comes to football practice wasted, throws bottles at Smash’s head, fucks his paralyzed best friend’s girlfriend, fucks his cougar neighbor, probably fucks half his teachers, probably has a threesome with Coach Taylor’s sexy wife and his fine daughter Julie, and probably stuck it in Tyra Collette’s ass at some point (that bitch has to be a sex freak, you can just tell).
After all this football and fucking, Tim drinks beer like he’s a fish in a Budweiser ocean. He’s never far from a cooler or a refrigerator, even when he’s around the little neighbor boy. You’d think that as an eighteen year old young man, he might see the value in not exposing impressionable young minds to a life of alcoholism, but you’d be wrong. Tim Riggins just doesn’t give a fuck, he’s gonna drink that beer whether that little shit is around or not, then he’s gonna rail his mom until the cows come home. Now that’s what I call an American hero.
And I most certainly do not want to skip this part; Tim is a motherfucking fullback. That son of a bitch hits dudes like Lorenzo Neal on meth, only he’s a white kid from Texas. I’m not the biggest Texas fan, but being white, I am a fan of the Caucasian sports hero, especially one that fucks dudes up on a regular basis.
Tim Riggins, you are Kevin Muska’s February man crush, and I would totally let you play with my balls.

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Kev asked me a little while if he could do this, and I said, "Why not? At least now the three people that read this regularly will look at it and realize that I'm not the only person in the world that has man crushes...my older brother does too."

He told me to add to it, so I will. He wanted it to be a collaboration but he got his point across pretty vividly, so I'll just add a few of my own observations that deal with the majesty of Taylor Kitsch.

The first thing is, and I don't want to bash on my brother, but I feel as though he's missed a crucial point in the man crush selection process, and I will highlight that here: The dude is sexy.

He's got potential to become a new-age heartthrob. He's pretty young, and he's already graced the cover of Men's Health...shirtless. Seeing this man bare-backed makes me feel like I'm Marlon Brando--the modern Marlon Brando. Kev spoke a great deal about his character Tim Riggins' drinking habit, but he didn't mention that he's carrying around a chiseled six-pack underneath his western button-up shirt during every episode.

He's also got the shaggy hair down to a science. He rocks the long hair with a middle-part, which is something that 89 percent of men from the age of 16-94 cannot pull off. He must deep condition regularly.

Also, he plays a cameo role in the film Snakes on a Plane, which I am ashamed to admit that I have viewed in entirety. The one scene that he is in, though, makes the whole movie. He rails a blonde vixen in the bathroom of the plane mid-flight, while smoking a joint. Tell me that the writers of that film weren't trying to re-produce a teenager's wet dream with that one.

Sure, he eventually gets bitten by a number of venemous snakes and dies, which brings a bit of morbidity to the scene, but you just have to keep in mind that he's acting. If that was Taylor Kitsch playing himself, he would've chopped the snakes' heads off and put them in the blender with his next protein shake.

So, Taylor Kitsch, welcome to The Mile High Club. You're February's Man Crush of the Month.

****sidenote: Kitsch is the first Canadian to receive the insignifcant honor of Man Crush of the Month, but he certainly won't be the last. Steve Nash will undoubtedly get his month sooner rather than later, and you can never rule out Sidney Crosby, Ryan Reynolds, any one of the Bare Naked Ladies, or Alanis Morissette.


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