Saturday, February 9, 2008

Kev Gets in on the Action with a Man Crush

Hello, I’m Scott’s older brother Kevin, and this is my motherfucking guest spot. I’ve been bitching at Scott to write a February man crush on either Taylor Kitsch (aka Tim Riggins from Friday Night Lights), or everybody’s favorite dead guy, Heath Ledger. Since it’s already February and I haven’t seen this entry yet, I’ve decided to take matters into my own hands.
Basically all you need to know about Tim Riggins is that he’s a bad ass and he’s a drunk. Dude comes to football practice wasted, throws bottles at Smash’s head, fucks his paralyzed best friend’s girlfriend, fucks his cougar neighbor, probably fucks half his teachers, probably has a threesome with Coach Taylor’s sexy wife and his fine daughter Julie, and probably stuck it in Tyra Collette’s ass at some point (that bitch has to be a sex freak, you can just tell).
After all this football and fucking, Tim drinks beer like he’s a fish in a Budweiser ocean. He’s never far from a cooler or a refrigerator, even when he’s around the little neighbor boy. You’d think that as an eighteen year old young man, he might see the value in not exposing impressionable young minds to a life of alcoholism, but you’d be wrong. Tim Riggins just doesn’t give a fuck, he’s gonna drink that beer whether that little shit is around or not, then he’s gonna rail his mom until the cows come home. Now that’s what I call an American hero.
And I most certainly do not want to skip this part; Tim is a motherfucking fullback. That son of a bitch hits dudes like Lorenzo Neal on meth, only he’s a white kid from Texas. I’m not the biggest Texas fan, but being white, I am a fan of the Caucasian sports hero, especially one that fucks dudes up on a regular basis.
Tim Riggins, you are Kevin Muska’s February man crush, and I would totally let you play with my balls.

Kev asked me a little while if he could do this, and I said, "Why not? At least now the three people that read this regularly will look at it and realize that I'm not the only person in the world that has man older brother does too."

He told me to add to it, so I will. He wanted it to be a collaboration but he got his point across pretty vividly, so I'll just add a few of my own observations that deal with the majesty of Taylor Kitsch.

The first thing is, and I don't want to bash on my brother, but I feel as though he's missed a crucial point in the man crush selection process, and I will highlight that here: The dude is sexy.

He's got potential to become a new-age heartthrob. He's pretty young, and he's already graced the cover of Men's Health...shirtless. Seeing this man bare-backed makes me feel like I'm Marlon Brando--the modern Marlon Brando. Kev spoke a great deal about his character Tim Riggins' drinking habit, but he didn't mention that he's carrying around a chiseled six-pack underneath his western button-up shirt during every episode.

He's also got the shaggy hair down to a science. He rocks the long hair with a middle-part, which is something that 89 percent of men from the age of 16-94 cannot pull off. He must deep condition regularly.

Also, he plays a cameo role in the film Snakes on a Plane, which I am ashamed to admit that I have viewed in entirety. The one scene that he is in, though, makes the whole movie. He rails a blonde vixen in the bathroom of the plane mid-flight, while smoking a joint. Tell me that the writers of that film weren't trying to re-produce a teenager's wet dream with that one.

Sure, he eventually gets bitten by a number of venemous snakes and dies, which brings a bit of morbidity to the scene, but you just have to keep in mind that he's acting. If that was Taylor Kitsch playing himself, he would've chopped the snakes' heads off and put them in the blender with his next protein shake.

So, Taylor Kitsch, welcome to The Mile High Club. You're February's Man Crush of the Month.

****sidenote: Kitsch is the first Canadian to receive the insignifcant honor of Man Crush of the Month, but he certainly won't be the last. Steve Nash will undoubtedly get his month sooner rather than later, and you can never rule out Sidney Crosby, Ryan Reynolds, any one of the Bare Naked Ladies, or Alanis Morissette.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Why, Steve Kerr, Why?

My heart is officially broken. Things have gone to shit out in the desert, and now my favorite team, the Phoenix Suns, will never win a championship.

Earlier today, they finalized a trade that sent Shawn Marion and Marcus Banks to the Heat in exchange for one man. Not one man and the 36th overall draft pick, but one man who is 36 years old and over 300 pounds.

They traded for Shaq.

If you dont' know much about the NBA, any kind of basketball, or the difference between your ass and a hole in the ground, you think this trade is probably going to benefit the Suns, since Shaq is the man.

If you think that Shaq is the man, you must've quit following basketball sometime around the VHS release of Kazaam. This dude is almost as washed up as I've become over the last year and a half since I quit competitive basketball, and we've played just about the same amount of minutes and the same amount of games (40 last season, and not many at all so far this year).

The guy is actually hurt right now. Phoenix traded one of their three best players (the other two being Amare Stoudamire and Steve Nash) for Shaq, who hasn't done a thing in the last four years. He's been out-shown in Miami by a skinny dude from Marquette. Not Travis Diener, but still.

I love the Suns for two reasons: 1) Steve Nash is my favorite player and happens to run the point for them, and 2) they play an interesting, fast-paced and effective brand of basketball that could actually make the league interesting again if other teams start to adopt it.

Steve Nash was against this trade, because he's a man of extreme wisdom. He knows that Shaq cannot run with the suns, just as much as he probably knows that Shaq is nowhere near where he once was physically, but he's still just as cocky and self-centered as he's always been.

I had high hopes for the Suns at the beginning of this season, as I always have since Nash was traded their three seasons ago, and I'm still hopeful, but my resolve may soon be crushed. I want so badly for the little white Nash to win a championship. I think the amount of heart and self-lessness he plays with every night should warrant one. He deserves it more than anyone else in the league, but he gets beat up every night he steps onto the court, and he's not getting much older, nor is he the size of Shaq. I don't know how much longer he'll be able to take it, and you'd think that their new GM, Steve Kerr, would understand that better than anyone, being such a small white guy himself.

The thing that irks me about this trade the most is that Nash was against it, along with Coach Mike D'Antoni. How can you make a trade when your best player and the man that should be in charge of the way your team operates are set against it? I thought Kerr would make a great General Manager and follow in Colangelo's footsteps, and I know I should give him a chance, but I just can't make myself like this trade.

From a basketball standpoint, it makes no sense. Shaq's a thing of the past, and that's where he should stay. I've never had a great deal of respect for him in spite of all of his championship wins, because he hasn't had to work for what he's got. He was born a huge man, and it's evident that he didn't work that hard when he was younger to develop his fundamentals, because he can't even make a fucking free throw. And he's just a flat out dick.

I think this trade could be catastrophic for the Suns, and I don't think they'll win a championship this season; I'll still be cheering my heart out for them, though, and when they lose I will almost break into tears. Just as I have the last two years.

I really hope my predictions are wrong (again).

Monday, February 4, 2008

Saturday, February 2, 2008

This Super Bowl is going to Suck

The Super Bowl is tomorrow, and I'm pretty excited.

Okay, that's a lie. That's what I probably would've written last year, and definitely would've written the year before, but somehow enthusiasm for this year's big game is evading me. There are reasons for this, and I think they're reasons that I share with many others who will be sitting down to watch the game because it's a tradition, the commercials are awesome, and there's not anything else to do on a Sunday night.

I feel strongly that my excitement about the game has been all but destroyed by one factor: ESPN. I love sports, and a sports channel is awesome, but they repeat themselves way too much. I know that there's a chance that the Patriots could complete the perfect season, and that should be exciting to a sports enthusiast such as myself, but there's only so much you can say about it. It's all that I've heard about the last two weeks, and the four months previous to that. We all know that the Patriots are fucking great, so why do we need Sean Salisbury screaming it at us everytime we switch to channel 29?

They'll take a break sometimes to talk about two other things: 1) The Patriots, in all their awesomeness, are apparently cheaters, and 2) Eli Manning, not Peyton, somehow found his way to the Super Bowl (which is the equivalent to Joe Paterno finding something his coaching staff will actually let him do).

So, the Patriots were busted for cheating and it was originally exposed by Eric Mangini, the Jets head coach and former assistant to Belichick in New England, which means that he most likely participated in the (almost) cheating. Doesn't that sort of ruin his credibility? And, I'm sorry to say it, but this whole thing doesn't mean shit. They may have done illegal filming for one game this season, which was when they beat the Jets. I'm pretty sure Knoch high school's girl's basketball team could beat the fucking Jets. They have gone on to beat the Hell out of almost every team they've played this season, without any kind of unfair advantage. (I'd also like to point out that New England probably wasn't the only team cheating in this way. Saying they would would be akin to alleging that Barry Bonds was the only baseball player using HGH.)

The bottom line is that, though their coach is an arrogant douchebag, the Patriots are the best football team in the world, and the only way they're going to lose this game is by some kind of fluke.

Now, if you've ever watched the Mannings play for their teams, you know which one is a better player, and you know which one is on a better team. There's not a person in this world that would argue that Eli is better than Peyton. (Except for Skip Bayless, and it wouldn't be a reasonable argument because his usually aren't.) Also, everybody knows that the Colts are a better team with better players and better coaching. The Giants almost blew their season because after their kicker missed one field goal, Coughlin screamed at him so loud that he probably shit his pants before he kicked the next one--which he missed. They very easily could be sitting at home right now while we listen to the people at ESPN talk about Tony Romo, Terrell Owens, and Jessica Simpson getting freaky in a three-way in Tijuana while they should have been studying tape of how bad the Patriots were going to massacre them.

Eli Manning is not a Super Bowl quarterback, just like Ben Rothlisberger isn't. They're both severely overrated, but Manning is the worst. You could've made the argument earlier this season that the only reason he was even starting in the league was because of his last name. You've got to wonder what Peyton is thinking deep down. He's gotta know that he's better than his kid-brother, and that if his team was in the NFC they would have bathed in the Packers' blood two weeks ago.

Imagine how pissed he'd be if he hadn't gotten a ring last year.

If you can't tell, my main issue with this is that I really don't want either team to win, but I pretty much know the Patriots are going to win. By a lot. Because they were accused of cheating. Again. And whenever they were first accused of cheating, they decided to blow everyone out to show just how good they were. Now, they're going to be really angry, and when Tom Brady gets angry, he gets that competitive look in those beautiful eyes that I could swim for days in (oops.) and he straight-up makes it rain out there. They're also pissed because Plaxico Burress' tall, stupid ass decided to guarantee victory and said the Patriots are only going to score 10 points.

I think the combination of that is going to result in a game that is over before halftime, which will feature Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers.

(Let's recap. I'm going to watch because: a) the commercials are good and I'll probably see a preview for Ironman with Robert Downey Jr., and b) because there's a 1 in 10 chance that Petty will play "Free Falling" and I'll get to remember the days when Tom Cruise was cool in Jerry Macguire as I sing along with tears rolling down my face, and c) he might follow that up with "American Girl.")

My first prediction: The Patriots are going to win 42-10. I really don't want that to happen. I'd like to see a close game that goes down to the wire, and I really am not going to be happy if the Patriots win. But, I won't be too happy if the Giants pull it out either.

My second prediction: Eli Manning shits the bed and throws three to five interceptions, and walks off of the field after every one with that strange Manningesque expression of confusion while he mulls over the fact that he could've sworn that cheating son-of-a-bitch Rodney Harrison was wearing a Giants jersey. These camera shots will be followed by footage of the Manning clan in a box. You'll see Archie crying as he lives vicariously through his youngest son and tells himself that "if you would've ever actually made it to the Super Bowl, or even the playoffs, you wouldn't have fucked it up like this." Then you'll see Mrs. Manning, clapping and shouting for her son to, "shake it off, honey!" even though he's a hundred thousand feet away from her. Then, you'll see Peyton, trying to decide if he feels good or bad about his little brother's self-destructive nature, and the world will finally get to see if Peyton's wife is actually hot or not.

Lenny Smith's prediction: Patriots by "eh, I don't know."

"More than likely the Patriots are going to win, but I'd really like to see them lose, because they cheat. They're cheaters, and I don't like cheaters and liars."

I think in some way, Lenny feels like Bill Belichick has forsaken him. I don't know. He was also pissed about my reference to Joe Paterno, and when I told him Penn State wasn't playing in the big game, he looked at me with that Manning look of confusion.

This is going to be one confusing game for me, and for a lot of the world. I won't feel those pangs of excitement or disappointment when one team does or does not do something.

The only thing I can hope is that I can get on here tomorrow and write, "Son of a bitch. My predictions were all wrong. The game ended in a tie after they ran out of commercials to run."