Hanes Commercials?

Today as I was watching television with some of my roommates, I saw an underwear commercial that really made me think about the trends of consumerism in our nation.(And, no, it was not a Victoria's Secret commercial. Those spur thoughts of things other than consumerism, like exotic fabrics and what authentic angel wings really look like.)

The advertisement goes like this, though you've probably already seen it: Cuba Gooding Jr. walks into a dressing room, where he encounters something that looks vaguely like a picnic basket. Said basket is filled with all types of Hanes underwear, including the newest addition to their line of triple-seamed comfort, The Comfort-Soft Waistband boxer short.

On top of the shorts is a note from Michael Jordan, probably the best man to ever play basketball besides Steve Nash (because I'm totally unbiased) telling Cuba to try out the new product.

Then, without taking off his shirt or leather jacket, Cuba throws the new undies on and walks into a studio where MJ is signing autographs, and proceeds to scream "Hey, Mike! I'm wearing your underwear!" A lot of people turn and look at him, it's an awkward situation, and that's it for the commercial.

Now I know that your first question after seeing a TV spot such as this would probably be the same as mine, and the answer is yes: they are indeed tagless.

The next question that came to mind, though, was what exactly is the advertising department at Hanes thinking? Cuba Gooding, Jr. and Michael Jordan in the same commercial? To convince people to buy underwear?

Now Jordan I can kind of understand, since he's always made me want to buy his shoes and drink gallons of Gatorade, and he's an idol to many. Maybe when I was a little kid, I'd have wanted to rock some Hanes briefs if I saw one of my heroes endorsing it, but the timing's off now. Jordan doesn't do anything anymore, really, and come to think of it, when he played basketball he probably wore spandex underneath his shorts anyway.

Hanes doesn't make compression shorts, I've checked.

So, Jordan is excusable, but I'm sure Hanes pays him A LOT more than they can afford to for commercials. (Look at the others that they pay to endorse their brand. They're not on the same level as Jordan.)

So, I'll move briefly to Cuba Gooding, Jr. and my main question about the commercial.

WHY?

If you compare Gooding with Jordan...well I have nothing to say, because they're incomparable. Michael Jordan won like six championships, and Gooding Jr. won an Oscar for acting like a mentally disabled football team manager that went by the name of a boombox.

While I'm on this tangent, lets bring up the other guy who's been in commercials with Jordan recently: Kevin fucking Bacon.

Yes, the dude from Hollowman and Tremors. He's come such a long way since Footloose. He's now makes music with his brother. They call themselves The Bacon Brothers. They do indeed suck.

I just can't understand these commercials, because they don't make me want to buy underwear in the least. They don't even show guys in their underwear! (That's really gay because it sounds like I want to see that)

What we really need is a little Shia Lebeouf, Tom Brady, and/or Mike Buesink donning pairs of bikini briefs, running through a yard and diving onto a wet slip-and-slide while Burt Reynolds and George Clooney look on from the porch with huge shit-eating grins on their faces.

That would make me want to buy anything. Anything at all.