Friday, January 25, 2008

Hanes Commercials?

Today as I was watching television with some of my roommates, I saw an underwear commercial that really made me think about the trends of consumerism in our nation.(And, no, it was not a Victoria's Secret commercial. Those spur thoughts of things other than consumerism, like exotic fabrics and what authentic angel wings really look like.)

The advertisement goes like this, though you've probably already seen it: Cuba Gooding Jr. walks into a dressing room, where he encounters something that looks vaguely like a picnic basket. Said basket is filled with all types of Hanes underwear, including the newest addition to their line of triple-seamed comfort, The Comfort-Soft Waistband boxer short.

On top of the shorts is a note from Michael Jordan, probably the best man to ever play basketball besides Steve Nash (because I'm totally unbiased) telling Cuba to try out the new product.

Then, without taking off his shirt or leather jacket, Cuba throws the new undies on and walks into a studio where MJ is signing autographs, and proceeds to scream "Hey, Mike! I'm wearing your underwear!" A lot of people turn and look at him, it's an awkward situation, and that's it for the commercial.

Now I know that your first question after seeing a TV spot such as this would probably be the same as mine, and the answer is yes: they are indeed tagless.

The next question that came to mind, though, was what exactly is the advertising department at Hanes thinking? Cuba Gooding, Jr. and Michael Jordan in the same commercial? To convince people to buy underwear?

Now Jordan I can kind of understand, since he's always made me want to buy his shoes and drink gallons of Gatorade, and he's an idol to many. Maybe when I was a little kid, I'd have wanted to rock some Hanes briefs if I saw one of my heroes endorsing it, but the timing's off now. Jordan doesn't do anything anymore, really, and come to think of it, when he played basketball he probably wore spandex underneath his shorts anyway.

Hanes doesn't make compression shorts, I've checked.

So, Jordan is excusable, but I'm sure Hanes pays him A LOT more than they can afford to for commercials. (Look at the others that they pay to endorse their brand. They're not on the same level as Jordan.)

So, I'll move briefly to Cuba Gooding, Jr. and my main question about the commercial.


If you compare Gooding with Jordan...well I have nothing to say, because they're incomparable. Michael Jordan won like six championships, and Gooding Jr. won an Oscar for acting like a mentally disabled football team manager that went by the name of a boombox.

While I'm on this tangent, lets bring up the other guy who's been in commercials with Jordan recently: Kevin fucking Bacon.

Yes, the dude from Hollowman and Tremors. He's come such a long way since Footloose. He's now makes music with his brother. They call themselves The Bacon Brothers. They do indeed suck.

I just can't understand these commercials, because they don't make me want to buy underwear in the least. They don't even show guys in their underwear! (That's really gay because it sounds like I want to see that)

What we really need is a little Shia Lebeouf, Tom Brady, and/or Mike Buesink donning pairs of bikini briefs, running through a yard and diving onto a wet slip-and-slide while Burt Reynolds and George Clooney look on from the porch with huge shit-eating grins on their faces.

That would make me want to buy anything. Anything at all.

Monday, January 21, 2008

I'd Have an Affair with Michael Buesink

January is always a pretty depressing month for me, as I'm sure it probably is for you. It's right at the middle of the school year, when you have to come back after a long Christmas vacation where the extent of activities you participated in were limited to opening gifts, eating massive amounts, and debating which Home Alone movie was the best. (Obviously the first.)

Then, it's always cold. I live in Erie, and this is my second winter residing here. Hopefully, it will be my last. I woke up two mornings ago and looked out of my bedroom window to discover that it had snowed about a foot. In five hours.

When I walked outside later that day, I almost cried because of just how fucking cold it was. I wanted to immediately run back inside and either a) lay in my bed and cry, or b) look at photographs of my friends on Facebook.

I spend a great deal of time on the computer during the winter months, since I'd rather tap keys all day and enhance my chances of getting arthritis and carpal tunnel than venture outside for five minutes, and Facebook has become a big part of my pastime on the computer since I've been in college.

It's kind of addicting, and it gives you something to do in Erie when there's really not a whole lot else going on.

That's why I was astounded when my good friend and roomate, Michael, told me a few days ago that he'd deleted his Facebook. He wanted to swim against the stream apparently, and told me that he "doesn't care what everyone is doing, and doesn't need to sit around looking at it all the time."

I'd think that Mike would need it more than anyone, because he's lived in Erie his entire life and has to be getting fed up with these dismal wintery situations, but he's decided to swim against the stream.

Michael is also a very funny human being, and I like to spend time with him. He's really nice and would give you the shirt off of his back, if you really needed it. He'd give it to you if you didn't need it, just so he could walk around shirtless and display his rippling abdomen to you and the rest of the inhabitants of your living room.

I can honestly say that Michael Buesink is flawless (except for the fact that he likes NASCAR), and he is now without a Facebook. He is more of a man than I.

I know this was all over the place, but I was bored and felt that my love and respect for Mr. Buesink should be known the world over. I couldn't keep it quiet anymore.

So, Michael Lee Buesink is January's Man Crush of the Month.