Other Things I Have Learned

*If you haven't read the previous entry, do that first.

I was talking to my eldest brother about things that I've learned, and realized that I've learned much more than I have labeled. This is obvious, but some have come to mind that I feel as though I should absolutely mention. Especially my first one, because he said that's the best one he's read.

-I've learned that gays are usually very funny people, and the same with Jewish people. I've also observered that homosexual Jews are the funniest people I have ever heard or read (David Sedaris, David Rakoff). I suspect this is for the simple reason that joking and laughter are the most logical defense mechanism for people who are constantly getting fucked over or ripped on, and no one gets it worse than gay jews.

-If you play a sport in high school, more power to you. I have a couple of tips though. When high school is over, put your letter jacket away. If you're not good enough to play in college, that's that, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you're a white dude that could cut it on the varsity level but has no real athletic ability. It's happened to the best of us (I played for two weeks and realized that I wasn't that great), but just because it has doesn't mean that you have to treat intramural sports like the 1996 Summer Olympics. This means no UnderArmour allowed, because you lose the right to wear that for football, basketball, or track and field after you end your varsity career (to clear up some questions, it is still allowed for table tennis).

-Sarah Silverman is not funny. At all. Somehow I don't think Jimmy Kimmel could do much better, though.

-If you're a janitor, you should get fucked up every day before work.

-There's no reason to lift weights if you don't play sports. Girls really don't choose their boyfriends due to abs or biceps. I know this because my amount of female suitors did no diminish when I acquired mono during my freshman year of college and lost 15 pounds of muscle in two weeks.

-David Hasselhoff should be pissed on.

Shaquille O'Neal is a douchebag.

-Steve Nash and Steven Colbert are on two opposite sides of a spectrum, but are two of the raddest dudes alive.

- Fuck the state pen, fuck hoes at Penn State.

-Kanye West is better than 50 Cent, but Lloyd Banks has recorded the greatest lines in hip-hop history: "I think losers are mad 'cause I'm flossin' bad, I ain't a wrestler, but I'll put your bitch in the Boston Crab."

-The Boston Celtics will win the Eastern Conference this year.

-Jonathan Papelbon is a white boy that can dance, his neck is red, he puts miracle whip on his wonderbread.

-NASCAR is fucking stupid.

-This sounds unbelievably cheesy, but it is possible to fall in love with a girl's smile. It's rare, but it happens.

-Italians are extremely proud, but of what I don't know. Apparently nothing. Maybe they're glad that they were dictated by Mussolini for a while, or because they believe that they invented ravioli (in reality it was Chef Boyardi, and he's as American as Stephen Colbert).

-BoyzIIMen are unbelievable, and so is Mariah Carey. They collaborated on the song "One Sweet Day," which is unarguably the greatest song about death ever recorded.

-Dogs really are man's best friend.

-There are two sides to every story. This is why there are so many mothers and fathers that hate boys that their daughters have dated.

-Global Warming is a myth, or it is at least overstated.

-General Education classes are a money-making ploy by the college you attend.

-The world is not as bad as it seems.