Thursday, August 9, 2007

It's been a very rainy day today and from what I hear, the storms are supposed to last well into the night and tomorrow morning. This strikes me, personally, as awesome, because I have loved thunderstorms my entire life. I can't tell you why, but they put me into a good mood, which is basically the antithesis of what a thunderstorm is supposed to do to a normal human being.


So, an hour ago when normal human beings were cowering in fear about flash flood and tornado watches and running to the grocery store to stock up on enough essentials to last out the war on terror, I was sitting around and being generally happy about things. I was, however, extremely bored, and when I get bored I naturally attempt to find ways in which to entertain myself. I decided to shower and--for once--shave.


It was while I was lathering my face up and getting poised to attack with my Mach 3 Turbo (this is a razor, not an airforce fighter jet or a transformer) that the song "Stuntin' Like My Daddy" by Lil' Wayne came onto my shower radio. I immediately started busting out the rhymes with lil weezy, throwing my hands about in and Eminemesque fashion in my boxer briefs and saying "Where I'm from we see a fuckin' dead body everyday/ That's uptown, throw a stack at 'em/make a song about me, I'm throwin' shots back at 'em/Your bitch on my pipe, and she like a crack addict."


I stopped singing and became enraptured in deep thought. I suddenly realized that I could be like Lil' Wayne, and I desperately wanted to stuny like my daddy. I didn't know how to do this exactly, since my dad is a grocery store manager/owner so I don't think he really does much "stunting." (Which Urban Dictionary defines as "to be acting like a stunna or stunner.") So if I couldn't mimic his actions in the sacred ways of a stunner, I could try to mirror a physical characteristic. My dad wears glasses, so I considered doing that but thought that it would be a tad melodramatic since I have perfect vision, a fact that all of my friends know about. Next I thought about maybe rocking a haircut like my dad's. He has what we call the "horseshoe" haircut. If you are not familiar with the term, it is when a man is bald on the top of his head but still has regular hairgrowth everywhere else. It is in the shape of a horseshoe, if you will. I decided against this, siting that I will probably inherit that physical characteristic before too long. I finally settled on the perfect imitation of my dad, and something that would not only be "stunting," but would also be a perfect bring-back to the mainstream (this is my summer of the bring-back. I am currently trying to bring calculator watches back into mainstream fashion.).


This physical characteristic would be, my friends, the mustache


The mustache has hibernated just outside of mainstream culture since the late 1970's, when it was a staple for the males in early hardcore pornography videos. It thence became know as the porn stache, which I must admit is a sexier name. I think the reason that so many porn stars rocked the stache was because they wanted to express themselves in some way, and mode of dress could not be one of them since they spent the majority of their film careers in their birthday suits. Seems perfectly logical to me.


My dad used to rock an absolutely killer 'stache when I was a young lad. This was around the same time that he wore aviator glasses. Glasses, not sunglasses. They were aviators with clear lenses. You can't find those guys anywhere anymore; I suspect they are viewed as a collectors item. Anyway, he shaved it because the ladies didn't dig the bristling sensation they felt whenever he kissed them. Fucking sellout. I figured I'd give it a shot, since I'm not kissing many girls these days anyway.


Anyway, I went through with it and I'm sitting here now with a faint wisp of a mustache. I'm going to a concert tomorrow and will be around the biggest group of people I've been around all summer. I'm counting on getting heckled since this is my second go around with attempting to bring the 'stache back. During my senior year in high school I shaved in a mustache before a basketball game, believing that I would play like Adam Morrison. All that I got out of it was the heckling of about 30 fans from Perry High school, who are like the Cameron Crazies, except not smart. All game whenever one of them would yell, "Shave your mustache, you faggot!" or, "I bet you gave your coach a mustache ride before the game, and cut your fucking hair you Beatle!" I would just think to myself that the world was a just place, and they would probably be delivering my mail in 10 years.


People can say all they want about my hip new look, because I know that deep down some of the coolest dudes in history have rocked the porn stache.


We'll start with Mark Wahlberg, who played '70's porn star Dirk Diggler in Boogie Nights. He used to be the rapper Marky Mark, so he's got street cred, and he's now the executive producer of Entourage, which is one of the biggest cult television series to ever hit cable.


Next, there is now retired quarterback, Jake "The Snake" Plummer, who I believe was severely underrated as an athlete and as a lumberjack. He rocked the long Jesus hair and a beard for an entire season after he got rid of his porn stache. It wasn't until I analyzed my viewing of Plummer for the last few years that I began to understand that the porn 'stache has a certain amount of power. Once Jake went clean-shaven he had a terrible year, going from AFC championship runner-up to 2nd string piece of shit on a significantly worse team.
Adam Morrison became famous for his porn 'stache during his junior year in college, when he became the great white hope of basketball along with J.J. Redick. The lanky long-haired small forward used to unleash on opponents for forty plus points with seemingly little or no effort. The season before he grew his facial hair, he was just a blip on the college basketball whiteboy radar.
Tom Selik had a porn 'stache. Enough said.
If you want to feel manly you can always go out and shoot guns. You can wear flannel and Carhart jackets. You can chase shots of whiskey with oil cans of Foster's. Or, you can grow a porn 'stache. If you choose the latter, not only will you be viewed as manly and significant, but also maybe as a porn star which will lead women to believe you have a monster cock. I hear that's a good thing?
You will also have the power of the 'stache, which is comparable to nothing else in the world.
Just ask the cast of Miami Vice.


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