I was just in a stall of my dorm floor's bathroom taking a piss when I looked over at the wall to see the phrase "We love tree" scrawled on the wall in black sharpie marker. I can fairly assume that this was written to advertise a group of person's adoration of marijuana, since it wasn't there previous to 4/20, and I've heard the term "tree" used as a synonym to marijuana on a few occasions, most notably in a Sean Paul song.

Apparently it is true that weed can damage one's brain cells, because even though I am not a pot smoker, I do happen to know without a doubt that weed does not, under any circumstances, grow on trees. It actually has not a thing to do with trees at all...it is grown as a plant. There is a difference between the two: trees have wooden trunks, plants do not. So I do not understand how "tree" became a slang name for pot. It's all very confusing. One time a kid that I really don't know came to my open dorm room, peeked his head in, and said "Hey, are you guys lookin' to buy some tree?" This kid was obviously very cracked out, so I put two and two together, but I really wish that I was witty enough to say something like "Why? It's not even close to arbor day!" Why would you not just say "Would you like to purchase some plant?" It would eliminate a lot of confusion.

After contemplating this, I began to think about a lot of slang terms that people (including myself) use that make absolutely no sense. It's actually very astounding how weird the dialect of teenagers and college students is. The subject that I think most college kids can talk about are terms that have to do with drinking and partying. I'm pretty sure last night I said something like "Dude, I'm so fucking hammered," meaning of course that I was intoxicated to a fairly high degree. If you consider this term, however, drinking and being drunk has absolutely nothing to do with hammers or any other household tools (excluding the occasional employment of a funnel and plastic tubing or a bucket filled with gin, jungle juice, or even ecstasy if you're really good at picking a party). I've also heard people say that they are blitzed, which I'm pretty sure only ever happens to quarterbacks.

There are countless other terms for almost everything that are totally absurd, but I'm going to focus on the one that I felt was the most enigmatic. This is also a term that I am guilty of using often, and probably too much. This would be saying "tits" when something is considered good. Say, theoretically, that Evan hooked up with a girl and told me about it. I would probably reply by saying "That's pretty tits, man."

Now it can be argued that this is actually not a terrible phrase to use, because breasts are considered by most men to be a very good thing. I admit that I like them and I think they are good.

But why do I think this??

Really, think about this: why are boobs good? Why? I've been searching for an answer to this for years. They're really unremarkable. Just these...things with nipples, yet they turn me and most men on. I'm terribly confused by this (and I'm also going very far away from what I was talking about at the beginning of this whole thing), and I'd like to open it up to discussion. If you have a reason why boobs are good, if you can enlighten me on this matter please send me an instant message (smpbball23). I feel like I need to know.

Until then, I will not refer to good things as "tits," and I will absolutely not under any cirumstances call any amount of marijuana a "tree."