Saturday, April 21, 2007

I was just in a stall of my dorm floor's bathroom taking a piss when I looked over at the wall to see the phrase "We love tree" scrawled on the wall in black sharpie marker. I can fairly assume that this was written to advertise a group of person's adoration of marijuana, since it wasn't there previous to 4/20, and I've heard the term "tree" used as a synonym to marijuana on a few occasions, most notably in a Sean Paul song.

Apparently it is true that weed can damage one's brain cells, because even though I am not a pot smoker, I do happen to know without a doubt that weed does not, under any circumstances, grow on trees. It actually has not a thing to do with trees at is grown as a plant. There is a difference between the two: trees have wooden trunks, plants do not. So I do not understand how "tree" became a slang name for pot. It's all very confusing. One time a kid that I really don't know came to my open dorm room, peeked his head in, and said "Hey, are you guys lookin' to buy some tree?" This kid was obviously very cracked out, so I put two and two together, but I really wish that I was witty enough to say something like "Why? It's not even close to arbor day!" Why would you not just say "Would you like to purchase some plant?" It would eliminate a lot of confusion.

After contemplating this, I began to think about a lot of slang terms that people (including myself) use that make absolutely no sense. It's actually very astounding how weird the dialect of teenagers and college students is. The subject that I think most college kids can talk about are terms that have to do with drinking and partying. I'm pretty sure last night I said something like "Dude, I'm so fucking hammered," meaning of course that I was intoxicated to a fairly high degree. If you consider this term, however, drinking and being drunk has absolutely nothing to do with hammers or any other household tools (excluding the occasional employment of a funnel and plastic tubing or a bucket filled with gin, jungle juice, or even ecstasy if you're really good at picking a party). I've also heard people say that they are blitzed, which I'm pretty sure only ever happens to quarterbacks.

There are countless other terms for almost everything that are totally absurd, but I'm going to focus on the one that I felt was the most enigmatic. This is also a term that I am guilty of using often, and probably too much. This would be saying "tits" when something is considered good. Say, theoretically, that Evan hooked up with a girl and told me about it. I would probably reply by saying "That's pretty tits, man."

Now it can be argued that this is actually not a terrible phrase to use, because breasts are considered by most men to be a very good thing. I admit that I like them and I think they are good.

But why do I think this??

Really, think about this: why are boobs good? Why? I've been searching for an answer to this for years. They're really unremarkable. Just these...things with nipples, yet they turn me and most men on. I'm terribly confused by this (and I'm also going very far away from what I was talking about at the beginning of this whole thing), and I'd like to open it up to discussion. If you have a reason why boobs are good, if you can enlighten me on this matter please send me an instant message (smpbball23). I feel like I need to know.

Until then, I will not refer to good things as "tits," and I will absolutely not under any cirumstances call any amount of marijuana a "tree."

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Canadia Hates the Pens

It's an exciting time in the Pittsburgh area. The Penguins have secured a playoff berth for the first time since 2001 due majorly to the town's new savior, wonderkid Sidney Crosby. Prior to this, they secured a deal with the city for a new arena so that they could stay where they have been since the beginning of the franchise. People all over the place are rallying behind the Penguins, and the amount of bandwagon fans coming out of the cracks to support their hometown hockey team is astounding. We've got absolute freak power on our side.

The Pens started their playoff competition last night against the Ottawa Senators, who seized home advantage by commencing to mercilessly beat the shit out of a young and inexperienced (as far as playoffs go) Penguins team. Their physical play and absolute early domination made me think of them not as Senators, but more as Spartans. Due to the Pens lack in skill on the defensive side of the puck (I won't name names) the Senators scored back to back goals early in the first period, leaving the inflated Pens and their fans in total shock and dismay, followed by doubt. Conversation in my dorm room between my colleagues and I consisted of a few positive outlooks, but turned more to things such as "What the fuck?! We just beat these guys like...last week," and "Why is this happening?" Cat also contributed a quip that kind of caught how everyone was feeling when he said that "I think Recchi is drunk."

Nothing really went our way the entire game. Sidney scored a goal that would have given us some hope for a comeback...before it was taken away because the officials at the main office in Toronto concluded that he had scored the puck off of his skate in a kicking motion. Toronto is in Canada, just like Ottawa, and just like that our conspiracy theory has begun.

It must be hard for these canucks to accept that a city like Pittsburgh has commandeered two of their three best hockey prospects ever to be born (these two would be Lemieux and Crosby, with the third being Gretzky, who has also relocated to the United States). We've Americanized Sidney and we're taking their game, which I believe has to give them bitter beer face. It'd be like the MLS becoming the premiere soccer league in the entire world. America consists of a bunch of game steelers, and the Canadians are rebelling in their own small way by shaving points from the Yanks in an effort to secure an all-Canadian team Stanley Cup Final.

Or maybe this really wasn't a goal.

Regardless, the home advantage of the Senators astounded me. Their crowd was very much into the game and so was their team. Actually, they sounded not unlike the crowds at the coliseum in the movie "Gladiator." It was all very overwhelming and I can only begin to imagine what some of the Penguins were feeling out there. Crosby is only as old as me, and Jordan Staal is even younger, and both Malkin and Fleury are in their very early 20's. These are kids being put into an extremely intense environment, one that I'm pretty sure I can't deal with. In my opinion, they have it harder than Lebron James, because even though they both play against middle-aged men, in basketball they aren't allowed to hit you and abuse you in the ways that hockey allows.

Anyway, the Pens are going to have to bounce back on Saturday afternoon. They've got to fight fire with fire and they've got to come out pissing some sort of vinegar. It's imperative that they achieve a split in Ottawa before returning to the Steel City to do battle in games three and four, or it could spell an early and abrupt end for the baby Pens. I have faith that they will show some resilience, and I'm looking for a big game out of Malkin, who has all but disappeared from the action as of late, and I'm also looking to the beastly Laraque to throw his body around and take care of his responsibility, which is basically Sidney Crosby. They need to enhance their intimidation factor. I'm also looking for Crosby to do two things: 1) have a huge game and give the world what they've been waiting for...a for real bona fide prodigy, and 2) say the word "fuck" on camera. He's going to do the latter for sure, because, well, he does that every game.

The only motivation they need to win is that they get to come home, and the more games that they win in succession, the less amount of time they will have to stay in Canada, or more specifically Ottawa, where the people may begin to snarl at them like rabid wolves and exact their revenge on us for stealing their boy.

Monday, April 9, 2007

Well, if Winter Ends.

It's hard not to be cynical about certain things lately, and I think I know why: the fucking weather sucks. It is almost the middle of April and there is snow on the ground in Pennsylvania. It snowed yesterday on Easter, and it did not snow on Christmas this year.

There is something deeply wrong with this, and the only consolation that I can get from any of it is knowing that Al Gore's theories on global warming have pretty effectively been shot to shit. All of this proves that the dude has no idea what he is talking about. We all freaked out and thought he was some kind of sage when it was warm around Christmas this year, but now doubt is--and should be--shown when it is snowing in April.

I don't think that there is any logic to it, and I don't think that the planet is in any real kind of trouble. I just think that Mother Nature (or whoever is in charge of weather patterns) is pissed at us or is just getting a huge kick out of all of this.

All I know is that I hope this comes to a stop, and soon, because this type of weather does nothin for people's moods. The Pirates had their opening day today in sub 40 degree temperatures, so fans sat in their bleachers in winter coats equipped with handwarmers and mittens to cheer on their home team at the start of the season. This can piss people off extremely, and I'm sure it caused some normally loyal fans to altogether skip the game.

Like Pirate fans don't have enough to be pissed about already. Throw in cold weather and there is bound to be some sort of mutiny before long.

Normally in April people are just happy to be able to go outside after a long winter and sort of enjoy themselves. The sun sets later, and there's that unmistakable smell of spring in the air that for some reason really gets the masses going. This isn't happening this year. You see a lot of scowls outside, and I'm still seeing winter coats made by The North Face everywhere I fucking go. It's depressing.

Well, at least I've been stuck inside for the last two weeks doing battle with a serious case of mono, so if there had been good weather, I wouldn't have enjoyed it anyway.

All of this made no sense, if you're mad that I wasted your time you get one (1) free spleen shot.